Every fall I write something like this letter to remind you what to do when something happens and you need help. Isolation, shame and secrecy set up barriers to “the Spirit of Life” we nurture here. Reach out when you need help. As your minister, I am certainly here for you. When something bad happens, call me right away. I can come to the hospital, to your home, to your side wherever you are, to help you negotiate unfamiliar circumstances. But there are others who can help and may even be better equipped in some ways to get you the specific support you need in challenging times. The Pastoral Assistants are trained caregivers who bring us a variety of special knowledge, useful skills, and services, big and small. They can answer a little question or help coordinate a community-wide response to a big crisis. They welcome your calls (and your volunteer assistance to others in need!). Participants in the Shawl Ministry create unique and beautiful knit or crocheted shawls for people who are suffering or celebrating and need to be wrapped in the love and security of their UU community. Our Congregational Administrator, Susan Catanzaro, can often find people for you when you have neither time nor wits.
The “Refrigerator Guide” below has all the contact information you’ll need. Cut it out and post it, now.
Here are some reasons you might get in touch with your minister specifically:

  • you need a sympathetic ear for problems or decisions you are facing regarding your job, children, marriage, relationship, or anything else;
  • you are feeling confused, depressed, isolated or hopeless, or have a joy to share;
  • you notice that someone you know in the congregation needs support;
  • you are trying to figure out how to respond to the needs of a friend or loved one who is ill or in trouble or you yourself are dealing with an illness, disability or facing surgery;
  • someone close to you is near death or has died & you need help with end-of-life planning or a service
  • you’re planning to marry, struggling in a relationship or contemplating divorce;
  • you’re pregnant but wish you weren’t or are thrilled you are;
  • you would like to have a child dedicated;
  • you are undergoing a major transition in your life and feel the need to ritually recognize, privately or publicly, the threshold you are crossing;
  • you or someone you know has questions about religion or Unitarian Universalism;
  • you are seeking to build your theology, deepen your spiritual life or are undergoing a spiritual crisis;
  • you’re considering membership in the congregation or have already joined and are wondering how you can participate more fully in congregational life;
  • you would like to share your talents and gifts as part of one of our groups, committees, or classes, or serve as a volunteer in some other way;
  • you have suggestions about sermons or programs or have a project you would like to initiate;
  • you want to affirm something good going on in the congregation or would like to discuss a congregational issue that is troubling you;
  • you’re mad at me or someone else and want to air your feelings and work towards resolution;
  • you’d just like to come sit with me and see what may open to us.

Don’t ever hesitate to contact me. In this faith,


How to Get Help Quickly 

Have a medical emergency? Call 911. List an emergency contact person under ICE (in Case of Emergency) in your cell phone address book and list Rev. Margie’s home and cell phone numbers there too under “My Minister.”

Need an ear, a resource, ideas, support, a meal, a ride, a visit?
Contact Linda Kirk, Chair of the Pastoral Assistants: ; 473-0689

Know someone who could use a shawl from the Shawl Ministry?
Contact Lori Jones: ; 678-6258

Susan Catanzaro, Congregational Administrator, is in the office 10:30-4:30 M-F: 751-0297

Need your minister? Send me (Rev. Margie) an email:  or leave a confidential office voicemail message (631-751-0297) If you have an urgent need or an emergency, call my cell phone (203-228-0911), then my home phone (631-675-1052).

Make an appointment to see me for a convenient day and time. I am in the office for a while starting around 10AM most Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Wednesdays are my own Sabbath day, the day I minister to myself. Fridays and Saturdays I’m mostly preparing for the Sunday service. Sundays—well, you know where to find me!

Here are a few things I want to make sure you get on your calendar if you are interested:

--Linda and I will preside at the Blessing of the Animals that is part of the Little Shelter Pet-a-Palooza weekend in Huntington, August 18th and 19th, 9AM to 6PM. The Blessing takes place on Sunday at 3PM and we would love to see you and your pets there! Look for the flyer for the event elsewhere in this Unicorn issue.

--The first 2012-13 installment of the Belonging series, our orientation to Unitarian Universalism and UUFSB, will take place at the end of August. All are welcome, from brand new visitors to long-time members and friends. I will offer the series again in Nov/Dec and in March/April. All sessions take place in the Fellowship and food appropriate to the time of day magically appears. There is more info elsewhere in this newsletter. Here’s the August schedule: Belonging Session I: Connecting (Saturday, August 18, 9:30-12:00); Belonging Session II: Deepening (Tuesday, August 21, 7-9:30PM); Belonging Session III: Belonging (Sunday, August 26, 12:30-3PM).

--I will be leading the August 19 and 26 Sunday services. Hope to see you there as we gear up for an exciting fall! Don’t miss the Homecoming service on Sunday, September 9. Wear red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo or violet clothing that day as we will arrange ourselves rainbow-wise for our second annual all- Fellowship photo that morning on the back lawn.

--You will have an opportunity to reflect together in small groups this fall about the decision to call me as your settled minister. The Committee on Ministries of the Congregation and the Board are working together to create the optimal settings and facilitation for those conversations. Deciding to call a minister is kind of like deciding to get married. An open, thoughtful airing of dreams, concerns, and questions is critical to the discernment process. Please keep your ear to the rails for further information. The congregational vote will take place in January.

--Be sure to block out the whole weekend of October 19-21 for our all-out celebration of the Fellowship’s 50th Anniversary! It is going to be a fiesta of fiestas, culminating in a special Sunday service with The Rev. Fred Muir and the dedication of our building and grounds to a new half-century of graceful service.

--Two little bits of celebratory news from Linda and me. On July 27th we will be welcoming a new puppy into our family, a 10-week old Tibetan terrier. Come meet him or her at the Pet-a-Palooza in Huntington! And finally, Linda and I will be honeymooning in Peru in March—a two-week Bryn Mawr College tour guided by a professor of Spanish. Your generous wedding gift is helping to get us there! Thank you so much! We are SO EXCITED!

Brilliant summer days to you and see you soon! 


For some of us, summer is calling: warmth, relaxation, shorts and T-shirts, ocean waves, the still blue welcome of the lakes, the trail that disappears into the verdant woods ahead, the view around the bend. For some travel and fun will fill the summer days. Others look forward to just a few blessed oases of leisure in a work-a-day summer.

You minister looks forward to a change of pace at this time of year, a time of study and reading, visioning and preparation, travel and nesting and, yes, relaxation. On June 18th, Linda and I will be headed off to the annual meeting of our Association, our General Assembly, this year being held in Phoenix, a GA unique in our history in its intentional focus on immigration justice in partnership with local advocacy organizations. After that I will head to our place in Brewster on Cape Cod for 2 weeks of study leave, where I will work on the 2012-13 congregational calendar, including our lay- and minister-led Sunday service schedule through to next June. (And I will also do a lot of biking and swimming and gardening). I will be back with you for a July work week beginning July 9th and offer my own “This I Believe” as service leader on Sunday, the 15th. Hope to see you there! If you or your committee would like to meet with me that week, please let me know. Mid July is a good time to begin to think about goals for the year to come.

July 16th, I begin two remaining weeks of vacation time (having taken two earlier in the year, in January and April), during which I will do my best to empty my head of ministry and allow mind, heart, body and spirit to play in the beautiful world, here in Stony Brook, on the Cape and elsewhere. I will have two more weeks of study leave in August. The focus for the two remaining weeks of study leave in August will be on reading and prep for services, classes and congregational projects and processes. I’ll be back with you for the new congregational year starting August 13th!

The Worship Associates (WAs), musicians and I are preparing a summer of great (mostly) lay-led services for you. We are looking for service leaders who would like to take on our 2012 summer theme: “This I Believe.” Does the challenge of working with a WA to create a summer service sound interesting? This is a great opportunity to look back over your life for the meaning you have made of it so far. What truths have guided you? What experiences shaped your identity and your sense of your purpose in the world? What people modeled for you a way of being in the world that seemed honorable and productive? What would you say to your children, in a letter or a video, if you knew you were going only going to live a few more weeks? What wisdom would you offer for their ongoing life journey? The lay-led summer service dates are 6/24, 7/1, 7/8, 7/22, 7/29, 8/5, 8/12, and 9/2, a total of 8 Sundays. Let Frances McGuire know if you would like to partner in leading one of those services. Support and guidance will abound.

The PAs and/or Board will respond to needs in the congregation when I am on study leave. They will be in touch with me about any issues that arise and I can return if needed during those intervals. Members of the Long Island UU ministers cluster will offer emergency pastoral care coverage when I am on vacation, though contact will always be through our UUFSB Pastoral Assistants (PAs). More information will be forthcoming about who to contact if you need support between 6/17 and 8/13.

Please support your UUFSB friends as they lead the congregation in worship while I am away. I will be leading services on these summer Sundays: 7/15, 8/19, and 8/26 and I hope EVERYBODY will be able to attend our Homecoming Sunday service the Sunday after Labor Day. On that Sunday, September 9th, please wear a bright shirt/dress or blouse in any of colors of the rainbow. Meanwhile, may a truly great summer be yours!

FOR YOUR FRIDGE (snip and post):

June 17: Margie’s final 2011-12 service (BRING A FLOWER OR FLOWERS)
June 18-24: General Assembly (denominational)
June 25-July 8: Study Leave (2 weeks)
July 9-15: Work Week
July 15: Minister-led summer service
July 16-July 30: Vacation (2 weeks)
July 31-August 12: Study Leave (2 weeks)
August 13: start 2012-13 work year (Minister-led services on August 19 and 26)

Never far away, 


You may have noticed something new going on in the sanctuary over by the foyer sliding doors. We now have another way to share personal information. The idea for the new Joys and Concerns Board was conceived by the Pastoral Assistants, refined and designed by PA Linda Mikell and Ed Mikell and constructed by Mike Serie. It has been in place for the last 6 or 8 weeks and people have been using it!
Many Unitarian Universalist congregations include a time during their Sunday services when people can speak out loud in community about something that is going on for them--something wonderful (an accomplishment, a milestone, a birth, a wedding, an opportunity, a new job, an encounter with beauty or joy) or something painful (a failure or loss, a distressing diagnosis, a financial blow, a death, a separation or divorce). Sometimes spoken Joys and Concerns in the context of a worship service can be very moving and very effective at strengthening the bonds of community, but there are definite downsides to the practice (as you might easily imagine) and UU experts in welcoming and growth agree that this kind of sharing can seem exclusive to newcomers. UUFSB has experimented on several occasions with spoken sharing, but it never “took,” for good or for ill.
So how do we make it easy for people to share with others what is going on in their lives, to invite others to join in celebration or sorrow, to ask for a high-5 or help? Well, we often begin meetings with a check-in. Sharing Circle gatherings and groups like the Men’s Group focus on our stories. The Unicorn brings us news of deaths and other passages. But, truth be told, we don’t really have a lot of avenues for exchanging the gifts of being real with one another.
This Joys and Concerns Board is a new vehicle for personal connecting (not for politics, social issues or jokes). Tell your community what you are carrying and, in so doing, share your joy or your burden with people who care about your success and wellbeing. The instructions say that anonymity is OK—and it is—but I encourage you to include your name. The more we risk telling the truth about our lives, the more we learn about one another, the more we reach out in concern and celebration, The more mutual trust builds and the stronger we become.
The Pastoral Assistants and I will be monitoring the Board and, when it seems like it might be helpful, responding to notes. When we gather for our monthly meeting, we will remove notes that have been up there for a while and read them out loud. Then we will lay our hands on them and say together these words by Becca Reynolds: “May love permeate your every heartbeat. May faith guide your every step. May truth and compassion be your Eternal travelling companions and may a deep, abiding Spirit rest joyously in your every waking wish and your every resting dream.” This will be the prayer we send into the web of our community.
The heart of Justice is the stories we tell and the compassion with which we meet them.            



Meg Riley, Senior Minister of the Church of the Larger Fellowship, our largest congregation (, wrote this for the April edition of Quest for Meaning, the CLF monthly for religious liberals ( I cried when I read it, because I have had this experience myself and have heard many similar stories over the years. I offer you this edited version of Meg’s story, one sweet articulation of the Easter story, the story of how we die and how, in various ways, we never really do.

That early winter morning, I needed to be at the crematorium. My brother and I touched the white hair, said I love you and Goodbye, cried. Then we slowly pushed our father’s body—lying on its cardboard bed, that body so intimately familiar and yet suddenly so strange—into the big silver oven. […] My brother pushed a black button and I a red one to start the fires burning. […] I knew that my father, the scientist, would be interested in this process, and I cloaked myself in his objectivity. It gave me peace. […] After a while my brother left quietly. I walked, prayed, laughed and cried, stared at that big silver oven door and that thermometer until my witness no longer felt needed. I went to sit outside, for a quiet moment and fresh air. I sat down on a bench and just as I sat, knew with utter clarity that what is gone forever from this earth is only the particularity of my father’s form. Personality, body, mind, sounds, smells, feel—gone. […]  Freed from all this specificity of location, his energy might be anywhere in the universe. I sat very still, grateful, looking out with unfocused eyes into the grey day. 

In the front yard of the house next door, I saw what I thought was one of those big fake grey plastic owls people nail on posts to scare rabbits. This one was in a low branch of a tree, maybe ten feet off the ground. What a funny place to put that, I thought to myself…. [But] as I looked more carefully, I saw an enormous striped wing begin to move slightly. I stared in awe and then, as if in a dream, stood and walked, mouth agape, towards the tree. Dad! The word I spoke aloud came from the depth of my being, through a throat almost closed from astonishment. I stared into a face I knew well, saw a particular glint in that bird’s eye, a glint I never thought to see again, staring back at me. […]  When I got very close to the tree, maybe ten feet away, the red-tailed hawk flew directly in front of me up into the air, soared in a giant circle, flew back to the same tree and landed in a higher branch, looked down. We stared into each other’s face for what felt like eternity. And then peace swept over me, head to foot, every cell of me.

The hawk or, in my case, the mourning dove and the fox, are messengers. They remind us that those whom we have loved well and lost do rise again in memory and that the basic elements and energy of which we are all composed are surely conserved in earth’s continuing creative process. There is much we do not understand. But there are, I believe, messengers.            
Happy Easter, friends, 


Dear Ones,

Thank you so much. Here is a big thank you to the UUFSB community for the gift of your hard work, love, risk and smiling presence in co-creating with Linda and me the perfect second marriage ceremony. On Sunday, February 12th, you stood on the side of love in a packed sanctuary to witness together the insertion of a critical missing piece into the fabric of our May 30, 2010 pre-NY-marriage-equality-law wedding. The pictures here (to the left and right), of our order of service and our wedding “colors,” are from that ceremony which was joyfully and efficiently hosted by the congregation Linda served for 18 years. That day we committed to one another for life in exactly the same way heterosexual couples do when they marry. May 30 is the anniversary of our wedding day.

But on February 12, 2012, we acquired another anniversary date that we will share with you forever. On that day we created in our sanctuary and in every participant’s heart a visible, visceral, vital symbol of justice being done. Dixie and Rich, as president and vice-president of the congregation, signed our marriage license on your behalf. The spirit of life moved in their hands “to give life the shape of justice” as they bore witness to your effort as a congregation to ensure that we too have the additional support that official legal and societal endorsement of our commitment provides. And all Long Island watched. Channel 12 News and Newsday were there. Many thanks to Catherine G. and Tom P. for their genius in drawing and managing the media’s attention.

You know, Linda and I planned all the details of our Kingston, NY wedding. Nothing was a surprise, so it didn’t matter much that we were typical brides on our wedding day, too nervous and emotional to really take it all in. Our Stony Brook wedding day was different. Many of the details were in your hands and you planned lots of surprises! And I worry that we were again too verklempt to notice all the sweet details you had painstakingly set in place. Regardless of what we missed, though, we were totally bowled over by your love and generosity. Thank you to Dan W., Tom P., Joan R. and Dixie C. for tending the idea over its months of gestation. Thank you to Deborah G. for stepping up to coordinate the team that made the final vision manifest. Thank you to Linda M., Barbara C. and Stefani S. and all who worked on the wedding aesthetics. You got it just right: a hint of wedding embedded in a justice theme. Thanks to Deborah G. for the cupcakes and Lisa S. for the fancy wedding cake that tasted as good as it looked! Thanks to the many hands that supplied a bottomless fount of champagne and sparkling juice, to Laura L. and Janet K. for their able assistance as liturgists for the service and to Dan W., Claudia J., Greg G., David K. and Bethany R. and members of the Unicorn Singers for music that opened the little door to the loving soul. Maureen S. and Gayle R., thank you for your creativity in assembling such an amazing array of gifts for Linda and me, including a week anywhere in the world and more than enough money to get us there, a handmade chalice, a wedding album, a bag of Valentine’s chocolates and more. Dan W., thank you for your just-right very Dan-ish toast that was not a song and yet was. Thanks to everyone who attended the service for putting $1116.00 in the plate for the national Standing on the Side of Love initiative. And three cheers for the Rev. Dr. Don McKinney! Thank you all for coming. Here’s to love and justice!


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